you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i believe in u and ur pee
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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