so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
