the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
