she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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