When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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