I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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