The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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