Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
