Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
