i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
