You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
