The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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