Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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