Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
