apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
