I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
