I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
