Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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