Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Someone shattered a urinal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
