I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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