wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my sisters under your porch take her home
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Are we still banned from the library?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
