WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
