Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm getting married
To pizza
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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