Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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