I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
