Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
