Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
