____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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