The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
