yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
