Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
