it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
