I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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