We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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