my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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