Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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