Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
