My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
