i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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