Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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