i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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