Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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