Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
