apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
