I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
