There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Randomize
