I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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