Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
