i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
