I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
