Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm like, not good at living.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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