dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
