we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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