apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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