Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
