I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
