Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
