sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
