I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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