Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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