I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
