i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
