btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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