Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
